A poem by Jazjyot Singh
Lost in an emotionless storm
I felt no sense of identity
A Kindred spirit searching for hope
Yearning to be liked and longing to be loved
But slowly falling deeper into the ocean of self hate and insecurity
Awaiting the beacon that signals my rescue
At what point did I decide to cling to an illusion?
Disguised as the hope I so desperately required
I gained a new lease of life, but in reality
I was a lifeless vessel closing my eyes to the wonders of the real world
Living a lie to satisfy my insecurities.
Until my siren cried and by chance I found her
The warmth of affection she gave me
A cold breath of life she breathed into my fearful lungs
The feeling of attention from those who claimed to be by my side
For the first time in my life I truly felt alive.
A life mixed with excitement and love shadowed by gluttony
Soon the cracks would eventually appear as I lose grip on a fake reality
But, just for that one moment… I would feel indestructible.
The bandages which protected me would soon unravel
And the wounds which I hid would bare witness for the predators to see.
While the passersby would stare and laugh and hide and laugh some more
Each act of cruelty representing the micro tear in my heart strings
Not through the building of muscle; but the breakdown of my trust in humanity
The one I loved, the one that had my back and the one which pretended
Those that filmed, those that tormented and those that enjoyed it all.
The result wasn’t social heartbreak; it was a simple betrayal.
The worst thing about a nightmare isn’t the number of demons that want to hurt you
Nor is it the guilt you feel, no matter how good the intentions
The worst thing is the feeling that it will never end.
For so long I battled my inner demons which plagued a lonely boy
So tell me, when did demons become real?
I am the artist of my own story, yet I paint a blank canvas.
All the potential at the flick of a pen, a finger, a brush.
The only art I create is one of deception
But it remained my one true friend.
The only escape from a nightmare is one into the warm arms of a lie
A foundation built with the bricks of my stupidity
Two pillars stood tall as they provided the stability for my weakened spirit
I poured my remaining energy into a new source of happiness
All while draining theirs
Memories created and feelings injected
My artificial drug went through its first stages of trial
Countless failures and successes
Countless days of texts and calls
Countless trips and experiences
And finally after 3 long years I had come to realise
My happiness was a placebo.
It was time to stop my addiction and confront my own reflection.
Because I realise it is never too late to change.
The ocean which swallowed me and the hope I cried out for
All through a creation of an artist with no vision.
Now my eyes can clearly see.
And through it all I finally found my answer,
My past I must set ablaze and start a new.
No longer will the seed from which my soul grows
Be showered daily with negativity and self loathing.
No longer will my roots cling to others as my source of nutrients.
I will stop myself from drowning in the ocean of self creation
I will paint an explosion of self positivity
And I will be an artist of my own truthful identity.
As my old self burns in hatred
I will bloom
And from the ashes I will rise like a Phoenix